10 Steps to Building Mutualistic Relationships with Horses
Here it is: the rough guide to everything I’ve learned about how to build mutualistic relationships with horses!
Before we dive in, let’s first be clear on what a mutualistic relationship is. Mutualism is a symbiotic relationship wherein two species equally benefit from their interactions together. A familiar example of this are pollinator species of insects (think bumble bee, Bombus impatiens ) and flowering plants (think lemonbalm, Melissa officinalis).
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how horses provide benefits for us, so here we go into all the ways we can benefit them as symbionts (yes, that’s a word!) in our relationships.
1 | Neutrality
I could talk in length about neutrality when it comes to riding, but it’s equally, if not more important to be neutral in our groundwork.
Neutrality is about going with the flow, and meeting our horse, (and ourselves) where we are in the present moment.
When we show up to greet our horse in a neutral space, we might be surprised by what we find. Sometimes the session we had planned shifts due to our horses needs, and our expectations may shift as well. When we’re in neutral, we aren’t getting caught up in trying to fast-forward our journey, and progress beyond what our horse is ready for. Nor are we shaming ourselves for putting on the brakes, or even taking steps backwards because an obstacle came up.
2 | Consent
Horses can’t give us verbal or written consent, so we have to attune ourselves to their language. We have to give them the opportunity to walk away or express ‘no’ without consequence. If we find ourselves running circles around a pasture trying to catch a horse with no success, they clearly do not consent to working together. And that’s ok. We meet them where they are, and build trust at their pace.
When we ride horses, we become one: our personal space overlaps. To ride humanely, we need to get permission to join together. We can get consent by putting in quality time on the ground, that is free from pressurized agendas or forceful domination.
3 | Boundaries
As I covered in my post Setting, Respecting, and Tending Boundaries, boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, and energetic. Physical boundaries are the most well-understood in our work with horses. Understanding how to approach horses safely, and to not walk closely behind them in their blind spot is a form of setting our horses’ physical boundaries. However, I think it’s equally important to acknowledge the more subtle boundaries that relate to our thinking, feeling, and sensing spaces.
Our horses’ boundaries are a measurement of their comfort zone. When we approach our horses with neutrality and practice asking for their consent, permission may be granted increasingly quickly, and their comfortability and trust with us may grow.
4 | Consistency
Consistency works its magic in twofold ways. One, the more consistently you show up and are present with your horse, the more they may understand how deeply you care for them. You honestly don’t have to ride every day or go on grand adventures with your horse to build a tight-knit partnership. Nor do you have to even show up every day and have a progressive play or training session with them. I believe horses continually integrate and learn from our work with them when we give them time off from regular sessions to ‘soak’. You simply have to show up and be present consistently.
The second way consistency enhances horse-human partnership is in establishing dependable communication. What I mean by that is having a language between you and your horse that is rhythmic, unfailing, and promises follow through. We all have our own style of communicating with our horses. I think that should be celebrated, as if there were only one language in the world, I fear our vocabularies would become dry and dull. Make your language with your horse uniquely your own—throw in verbal cues and praise, exuberant hand gestures, and even winks and cheeky grins. However, please do not be inconsistent.
5 | Engagement
We all have days where we can’t seem to wrangle our thoughts. Sometimes, our monkey-mind runs rampant, taking us down rabbit holes that are far from the here and now where our horses are firmly rooted.
Engagement is a two-way street. However, unfortunately people may discipline the horse for becoming disengaged without reflexively examining their own intentions and engagement.
It isn’t always going to be simple and easy. Some of us are more prone to drifting off (vata/air constitutions—see the post Elemental Constitutions and Right Relationships for more on this subject). When disengagement happens, startling, bolting, and reliving of trauma can occur in horses. It’s important to gently bring their attention back, and to consistently hold our own engagement. Mutually beneficial relationships strengthen engagement through the human holding accountability and clear intentionality that is in alignment with the horse’s interest and willingness.
6 | Play
Pretty self explanatory, no? Actually no.
There’s a lot of talk about playing games with horses within the Natural Horsemanship community. However, it wasn’t until I took a long break from practicing and teaching “games” to my horses that I found a truly mutually beneficial way to play with my horses. That is, I discovered the fun of letting my horses simply be horses.
While not every horse plays exuberantly with other horses, they might enjoy playing with us if we let them lead the charge. I learned that my at-times serious and somewhat dramatic mares would play by poking fun at me by approaching me for grooming, then dipping away and leading a game of catch me if you can.
If you haven’t already gotten to learn a few of the games that your horse plays in their way, let this be the sign you need to finally do so. It’s called horseplay for a reason! Horses are masters of fun. Sadly we may have been missing out on it for a while as we’ve been trying to disguise work as play to free ourselves from shame of what we’re truly missing out on.
7 | Structure
“Traditional” training methodologies that prescribe severe bits, spurs, and whips to coerce the horse into submission build a toxic relationship upon an unstable foundation.
The humaneness of our training methods may be measured by the longevity of the horse. For example, in the racing industry, it’s average for a horse to be retired from the racetrack by age four. Racehorses are started as two year olds, and run into the ground until they literally break down. Truly mutualistic relationships are seated on a solid foundation wherein a lifetime of trust and understanding can grow. That can occur in any discipline or area of horse-human interaction, so long as the saying goes “the horse comes before the cart.”
8 | Clarity
Something I heard another trainer describe always comes to mind when I think of this topic. She said rather than immediately assuming the horse did something “wrong”, our communication should resemble a phone call between friends. When we say something on the phone, and we don’t get a response, we say “can you hear me?” And if we still get nothing, perhaps we try saying it again more loudly, and then we repeat, “can you hear me now?”
Let’s say we still get no response, then we might say it differently all together, in a way we think the other person we’re talking to can better understand.
I love this analogy because it highlights our responsibility to communicate clearly, and in a way we think the horse will best understand. We wouldn’t go to a foreign country where our language isn’t spoken and get upset that no one can speak our language. Thus, we shouldn’t become upset when the horse isn’t responding the way we want. Instead, we should be asking ourselves, how can I put this differently so that they can understand me better? Or how can I be more firm so that they know I mean what I say? Be clear, consistent, and engaged, and not only will your horse be able to read your mind, but you will be able to read their mind too.
9 | Commitment
You’ll hear stories about people whose relationships with horses turn into neglectful hoarding situations or a scheme to turn a quick profit. You’ll hear horror stories, and know that those people turned into parasites taking advantage of horses.
Horses are undoubtedly a big financial commitment, and they require much time, energy, and even sometimes blood, sweat and tears. However, more than anything, they require a commitment to care. That is, they require your heart to be in the right place.
Regardless of whether you lease or care for a horse temporarily, or are their caretaker for life, your commitment to them is an intention to give them your best. If your heart is in the right place, your horse will come to care for you too.
10 | Trust
Trust permeates every aspect of a mutually beneficial relationship. I intentionally left it last, because it isn’t quite a step to complete, but a constant overarching guide to follow.
Trust may have endless potential for growth, however I feel it’s healthy for trust to walk side by side with fear. When we suffer a trauma or an accident with horses, our brain begins to distrust what we previously thought we were capable of. Horses are always in conversation with fear, as their survival instincts are not far from the surface in any circumstance. Humans, on the other hand, at times feel immortal, and we can cross into dangerous territory thinking that we cannot be harmed.
Trust your horse insofar as you know them in and out. Trust that they’ll take care of you as much as you take care of them. Trust in your way of communicating with horses. Trust your instincts, and trust theirs. Horses don’t lie.